Only 4 more days until I return to work! I have been mentally preparing myself for this months so I was so sure that I would be ok with this happening. It turns out, now that I am approaching October 19th, that I am not. I think it started on Tuesday when I dropped Finley off for her first day of full daycare. That’s right – 7am – 5pm which will be our new routine. I was fine until we got home from picking her up and then I made supper, we ate supper, I cleaned up after supper and then I realized that it was already time for bath and then bed!!! I told Greg that I felt like I was a bad mother for only being able to spend between 2 – 4 hours a day with her. Of course, he said I wasn’t but I really don’t think he understands how difficult it is for me to come to terms with the whole situation. It’s hard to come to the realization that you are no longer the primary caregiver for your child. When you are not the one deciding when she should nap, drink her milk, eat her lunch and so on. It’s difficult when you have no idea what she is doing right now. This I think is so much more difficult then you ever could possibly imagine. The weird thing was that when I found out I was pregnant there was never ever any question that she would go to daycare and I would return to work. I was convinced that being a “stay at home” mom was a waste of my hard earned education and all the work I had done to get me where I was. I had no idea that I would be as maternal as I have been. I think I surprised alot of people – including my self. You truly don’t understand what it’s like to be a mom until you become one. It’s alot harder then I thought and makes everything I did before seem like child’s play. But it’s a difficult choice to make and there is no right or wrong answer. I think no matter what option you choose, it is something that you will continually grapple with. I wonder if you will ever be truly at peace with the decisions that you make. As a working mom, you are contributing to the household income, you are interacting with adults who know you as Becky the Applications Analyst and not Becky the Mama of Finley, it’s like you are reclaiming part of your identity – it’s hard to explain but I am sure most will know what I mean!, you are using your brain for more then trying to teach Finley dance with the Yo Gabba Gabba’s (great show btw). Of course the downside to all of this is the fact that your child is being raised by somebody else and may witness their first words or first steps – things that can’t be redone. That is what I have hard time dealing with. Greg said that most daycare operators won’t mention this unless they are cruel. I guess we will find out!!
I am sure it will be easier come Monday when I am back at work relearning my job as I am pretty sure I have forgotten absolutely everything that I know ( sorry in advance Julia if you are reading this…haha) and won’t have all the time I do now to think about everything that I am missing or what she is doing. In the meantime, all I have to remember that this is all temporary or short term as I hope to have a sibling join her sometime in the next year or so. I will let you all know how it goes on Monday….already dreading my commute…stupid downtown offices…haha