I was really bitter about my whole birthing experience. I didn’t think it was fair and I used to get really angry when I heard all of the wonderful birthing stories of my friends. Very angry but then I came across the Ricki Lake documentary on HBO and her book “Your Best Birth”. She co-wrote with Abby Epstein who also had a csection due to various complications. She wrote something in the introduction that helped me get over the bitterness and I would like to share it with you:
“For months after Matteo was born, I felt disconnected from his birth. I felt as if I were the victim of a car crash instead of a glowing new mother. Cara helped me process all of this. She made me the hero of my story in a way. She made me see myself as an active protagonist. For any woman who has had an emergency c-section, it’s a good way to look at it. You’re not helpless. Even though you may not feel like you had a normal childbirth experience, it is a birth that should not be discredited.”
“Although the emergency c-section was traumatic…I really did feel empowered. I had information and wasn’t going to do anything unknowingly or be railroaded into a certain kind of birth. I surrendered to the birth that Matteo needed, and I don’t feel disappointed. I think it’s impossible, in that moment when you have a new baby, to feel disappointed about anything. In some ways, it was a perfect entry into parenthood – these little people arrive and make their own path beyond your control. They start teaching you lessons before they are even born.”
I think that anybody who has had complications with their delivery, whether it ended up in a c-section or not, cannot relate to this. I thank God everyday that I was able to find this book and watch the documentary as it helped my get over what happened to me in ways I can’t explain. After seeing this, I had decided that if I used a midwife, I would do it the old fashioned way and if I couldn’t then I would elect a c-section. Unfortunately, there is such a demand in Calgary for mid-wives that it was not possible for me to use one. And I think I am kinda glad. Psychologically I don’t think I could do it, inevitably a c-section was going to be how baby #2 gets into this world.